The trigger warning is pretty much in the title (this blog is a trigger warning, I'm sorry. I'm genuinely a positive person in real life! Promise!) ... but to clarify, I'm talking about abusive relationships and rape
Hmmm...This one has been a tough one to write... but here we go.
Intimate partner rape/sexual assault = rape/sexual assault that occurs between 2 people who currently have/have had a consensual sexual relationship.
As I've mentioned in many a previous post, coming to terms with my past abusive relationship has taken a really bloody long time. Although the relationship ended about a year ago, I still struggle to accept the realities of what occurred in the 9 months we were together. With his emotional abuse and my depleted mental and physical state, piecing together a cohesive narrative of the time we spent together is pretty difficult.
I have begun to accept the past and want to share my story with people out there in the hope I can help one other person confront their situation... (that, and H said if I ever left him, he would tell the GMC I was psychotic and make sure I never practised medicine... well fuck you, all my crazy is in the public domain now...)
In our short relationship, he raped me on way more than one occasion. I am unable to put an exact number on this because all dates and events are blurred by depression (memory loss/blurring is a well accepted side effect of depression and anxiety... the fun times keep rolling here)
The first occasion is still pretty vivid though. It was three months into our shit storm reletionship. I had been having a really rough day. We had arranged to meet at 7pm in the Quad and I hadn't eaten since breakfast that morning (with no intention of eating until the next morning). I had ran 6 miles in before class because I woke up feeling fat, and spent 5 hours in lecture with 3 extra in the library. I had brought flashcards with me because I knew he would be late (20 minutes aways, at least)
We went back to his, and his roommate was out. I started talking about my day and asking about his. I needed to vent about lectures and pissy labs (all the medical school bull shit he hated). He pushed me onto the bed and pressed against me, forcing me down on the bed. To stop me talking, he kissed my forcefully, then pulled away, telling me to be quiet. Taking the time to remind me that he though the medics were self important arseholes and medic chatter bored him.
I was having a particularly dark day (hence the lack of food and excessive running), and felt very fat and repulsive. My skin crawled with the sheer sensation of existing. I couldn't bear to be touched, even by my friends that day (at near peak self loathing by this stage). I really don't know why I agreed to met up with him to be honest, but he was my boyfriend, so I had to see him...
I tried to pull myself from under him, but he was too strong and with his full weight on top of me, I couldn't move. I then started to struggle to breathe and my chest grew tight. My limbs went cold and heavy and I completely froze. I was having a panic attack (which is a physiological and mental attack on the system...)
I lay still while fear and panic left me stiff and motionless. He pulled down my underwear and raped me while I remained fully clothed. I hadn't been aware of him removing his trousers.
When he was finished and rolled off of me, noticed I must have been crying because my face was wet. I felt so confused and hurt. Why would he continue if he could see how upset I was? I remained very still and quiet as I slipped further back into my thoughts and tried to put as much distance between myself and reality(not the best idea, because they were pretty fucking dark throughout this period...but probably still better than confronting the real life shit happening)
He reached out to pull me closer but I turned and curled away from him, trying to make myself as small as possible. I started to shake and sob at this point. This made him really angry. He reminded me that no one else would put up with my bullshit, or tolerate me like this. Did I know how lucky I was to have him? Did I know how hard it was to love me when I was so unstable? If I loved him, then why was this a problem?
I did love him, and I wanted to be better, fitter, slimmer, prettier for him. I hated myself for ruining everything with my talking, and weirdness and generally repulsiveness.
I got myself "sorted" silently and left. I couldn't find words to describe how I felt or what had happened and I couldn't bear for him/anyone to see me like that. I left his halls and wandered around Soho until it was late enough to ensure my roommate had gone to bed and I wouldn't have to speak to anyone.
The first time is still the most vivid. Probably because I felt it was my fault up till a couple of weeks ago. The same kind of thing happened throughout the remaining 4 months of our relationship... (sex was completely off the cards for the last 2, I couldn't maintain eye contact let alone be touched by anyone. I am so proud of how far I have come in the last year, it scares me how ill I was... but I digress)
It never occurred to me to call what happened rape. He was my boyfriend and he loved me, so how could he do that to me? Of course intimate partner rape is a real thing, but I didn't think it would happen to me.
Similar things have happened to friends, and it makes me sad and disgusted that this is the society we live in. One of my friends, who was brave enough to come out with her story, was told that her boyfriend would never rape her. It wasn't until she told people that he had forced himself on her with a tampon still in that people accepted that this might be a thing that is not ok....
I want to say things are getting easier now after a year, and to a point they are, but being intimate with someone is still a pretty big struggle. I have had sex since H and I broke up, but it tends to be when I am blind drunk and only one night stands. I am seeing someone at the moment, (a he!) and it has taken a while to even be mildly comfortable with being sober and intimate with someone... Trusting someone to not point out my flaws to me during/after sex, or leaving me because I am too much of a lost cause is not going to be easy, but hey, that's what therapy is for! Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for and I've popped a few links below for added support if any of this sounds too familiar to you.
Stay strong my lovelies x
http://www.pandys.org/articles/intimatepartnerrape.html
This one is really good at highlighing the complex difference and variation of cohersive sex in reletionships as well as using sex as a power move in abusive reletionships...
http://www.bandbacktogether.com/intimate-partner-rape-resources/
