Menstruation Celebrations

What a lovely click-baity title... If you're squeamish, or in denial that periods are a thing that happen to 50% of the population, then this might not be the blog for you....

I GOT MY PERIOD FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR! Now, that is not news if you are a normal, healthy 20 year old women... like, you should be on number 6, but hear me out...

I've been dealing with anorexia nervosa (just getting to terms with calling it by it's name, and admitting that was what I had...) since I was 13. I had my first period when I was 12/13 and it as the awkward trauma that most girls have to deal with... "why is my uterus falling out?!" ect..

I was not coping well with puberty, or high school/life in general, and started to restrict my foods. I lost 30% of my body weight in 4 months and failed to establish a normal cycle (as in, I didn't have another period after that first one).  I can now see that my eating disorder behaviour is linked with my anxiety disorder, but at the time, it was about being in control. At 13, losing my period wasn't a major problem, and according to the pro ana websites I frequented, that meant I was doing something right...

What I was actually doing, was giving myself secondary amenorrhea. Amenorrhea is the lack of a normal menstrual cycle, and secondary refers to the loss of menstruation after the first menstrual cycle.

Amenorrhea can be caused by;

• low body weight 
• excessive exercise 
• high levels of stress 

Amenorrhea doesn't just make it more difficult to get pregnant, it can also cause pre-menopausal symptoms (night sweats, dizziness, all that fun stuff your Nan complains about) and eventually leads to osteopenia (loss of bone mass) due to chronically low oestrogen levels. 

After my first encounter with anorexia, I recovered to a point, but still restricted food and had a very intense work out regime of judo and running.  I was eating enough to maintain a normal body weight, so concerns about my health had subsided and I was generally left to my own devices for a couple of years. Even though my BMI was normal (if a bit low), I didn't recover my periods, which still didn't really bother me because I was 14-16 years old and had no intention of having kids anytime soon. I knew all my junk worked normally because I would get withdrawal bleeds when on the pill (not the same as a normal menstrual cycle... just the body reacting to the external hormones you are putting in). 

My first relapse came when I was 17 and in the run up to AS and A-Level exams. I was also dating fuck boys and was just generally a stressed mess. So no surprise when my periods still hadn't made an appearance. I was just about surviving, and was in no fit state to nourish another human inside me. At this point I was getting mildly concerned...did this mean I was infertile and could never have my own kids?! I knew I wanted to be a mum at some point, and would be really pissed if I had fucked that up for myself because of my eating disorder. 

That relapse was relatively mild, and I was generally ok-ish when it came to starting university at 18. Still no periods, but I was very stressed because university, and moving away from home. I started dating a guy, who suggested I lost a bit of weight.... (I loved me some fuck boys back in the day...). This, and the stress of uni and first year medicine, triggered a full blown relapse that brought me to my lowest weight/level of functioning. My heart rate was 50 and my blood pressure was almost undetectable, my nails were brittle, hair thin and skin looked sallow and ill. No chance of sustaining a pregnancy, so no periods. 

By August 2015, I had decided enough is enough and made the decision to get better. That meant eating 2000+ calories a day, exercising less, and just fucking looking after myself. There has been some wobbles, but in general, I would consider myself to be on the way to a full recovery. My weight has been stable for 5 months now and I've been at a healthy BMI for 9 months.

Once my BMI normalised, I though my periods would just return, but alas, the body is too clever for that... It took almost a year after getting my shit together for some spotting to occur last month, and last week saw the first "proper period" I've had in 7 years. I hope this is the start of a normal-ish menstrual cycle and that I can have my own kids at some point in the future... far off future though, I got another 4 years of medical school yet.. 

This is a weird stage in my recovery at the moment... my weight is normalised, I've gotten my boobs back, and I am a (potentially) fertile woman... I couldn't see myself getting better last year, but now there is so much hope and stuff to look forward to... (that is as soppy as I will get, but I'm glad I got another shot at this living lark)

If by some strange miracle, you get to the end of this super long post, and have been dealing with some similar things, I'll leave some links to resources I have found useful;

• Here are the DSM definitions of different eating disorders http://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/eating-disorders/what-is-an-eating-disorder/classifying-eating-disorders/dsm-5
• This site is great at explaining the longer term effects of amenorrhea, and why its a good idea to get it sorted sooner rather then later http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/anorexia/anorexia-and-amenorrhea-what-are-the-consequences 
• I love this website, the stage of recovery really help to normalise the recovery process, especially when you feel very alone and scared about the shit that is happening to your body as you try to recover http://www.youreatopia.com/blog/2012/11/23/phases-of-recovery-from-a-restrictive-eating-disorder.html

The Semicolon Project

A semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. That author is you and the sentence is your life.

Let's welcome tattoo number 8 to the family....

This is a piece I have wanted for a long time, even before my suicide attempt last year. The semicolon project was started by Amy Bleuel to raise awareness of mental health problems such as depression, suicide, addiction, anxiety, and self harm. As someone who has struggled with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and self harm myself and knows others who have too, it was important to be to validate these experiences and create a dialogue about these issues. 

Having the semicolon on the body, in a visible place, helps to start conversations about mental health problems and hopefully debunk some of the stigma surrounding these issues. I have recently tried to step up my game in mental health advocacy and begun to own my past experiences with mental health problems. I hope through opening conversations about mental health and sharing my story and experience, that I can help others. 

There is controversy over the "attention seeking" nature of these tattoos, but I think that is more reflective of the ignorance surrounding mental health issues in the wider public...

People are more than their diagnosis, and this is true for every chronic condition, however their experience of the world has been shaped in part by their condition and their story deserves to be validated as much as anyone elses. I'm still trying to better understand how to best support people through their mental health difficulties, but I hope having honest conversations can lift some of this stigma and BS.

New Directions

Argh... second year of medicine... what can I say about you? You've completely destroyed me and my social life and left me drained of any capacity to function as an adult.

Nah, it wasn't really that bad (but close). The workload this year gave me something to focus on, and not having time to party/go out, gave me the space I needed to sort myself out. That being said, if I haven't passed this year (results are out next week), I highly doubt I will resit the whole year...

Hopefully, next year, I will do a IBSc in The History and Philosophy of Science... sounds very impressive, I know.... It will however mean that my contact hours will go from 35-40 hours a week to about 7. I know that there will be a lot more reading and work to do outside of class, but I am looking forward to this freedom/free time/escape from the medical school lecture theatre.

I may be completely jumping the gun on this one, and I may have to resit/completely rethink my life trajectory/move to the Andes and become a goat farmer.... but I've started to think about my goals for the next 12 months.

I've been applying for jobs over the summer in London, with the hope of carrying on working next academic year.... I've started dating seriously, (not one person seriously, but dating with the intention of meeting someone serious as opposed to for funsies/out of boredom).

This year had also given me time to reflect on what has happened over the last couple of years and begin to accept/come to terms with the shit and good times. Looking forward, I want to start to move this blog on and write more. I've started keeping a regular journal and have been writing for the sake of writing again. I used to believe that I didn't have a creative bone in my body, but it seems writing may be my outlet....

I've been thinking about what I want this blog to be and what I want to share/write about. Mental health advocacy, body positivity, and feminism seem to be topics that play a big role in my life. (as well as food and animal rights, but it turns out, I'm not that passionate about food.... its just when you restrict it for so long, it becomes a much bigger part of your life that it actually is...)

I'll see where this goes, but it is what it is and hopefully I'll still be a queer medic on adventures.. (well I'm still bi/queer.... it's whether or not I'm a medic that bothers me)