Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

Twigger Warning - In this post I will talk about my eating disorder, just a heads up there. 

Ah, lets take a step back from the trainwreck that is my love life, and I'm going to get real with you. I've fallen back into some restrictive patterns of eating in the last 3 weeks. I have be subsisting on around 1100-1300 calories a day and it fucking well sucks. I have had no energy, and I've not been able to run, or cycle, or do any of the activities I enjoy.

I have relapsed enough to recognize now when I am falling back onto old patterns, and I am beginning to see the things that tend to trigger my relapses.

We had a formative assessment, and I needed/wanted to do well in it (even though the rest of my year likes to play the, "I've done nothing card", no medical student means that - I did do well though, 1st decile). Since GCSE's, I have used restricting food to show how disciplined I am when it comes to my body and therefore my studies (ILLOGICAL, I know) .

I had also noticed some weight gain around my hips and stomach that made me uncomfortable. Any hint of weight gain or bloating send me into a spiralling cycle of guilt and shame about how I could let my body get like this.  A jacket I had bought last spring, when I was very ill, no longer did up and a skirt that had onced bagged around my waist was constricting and awkward to wear. I'm aware that when I bought these clothes, I was quite poorly, yet the fact I no longer can wear them feels like I have lost control of that thinness of myself. That thinness became an outward symbol of my self control and worth. (I felt cleaner when I was boney, willowy and beautiful - I was weak, and could barely finish my longer runs and wasn't sleeping, but hey, you could count my ribs!)

The lowest point for me last year was when I went Summer Ball dress shopping with my Mum. It should have been a happy day of mother-daughter bonding, but my Mum was just very concerned for me and I didn't understand why. It wasn't until I was trying on size 6 dresses in Topshop that hung off me that I may have started to see that I had a problem again.

I have made the conscience decision that I don't want to get to that point again, and I don't want to do that to my family and friends. I have put the ill fitting clothes away, and hopefully my mum can make some money selling them online. Removing them from my wardrobe is not admitting defeat, but it is understanding that those clothes were never meant to fit my body (well not the functioning version of it).

My aim is to get my uptake back to 1800 and reintroduce exercise into my schedule when I feel ready to. I miss the thrill of running and cycling up the final hill back to my flat, and no bloody relapse is going to stop me when I have worked so hard to get here now.

First Dates - Covent Garden Mr Bond?

My second, first date was with Beth (again, not her real name, but I will work through the complete cast of The L Word for codename inspiration),

I met Beth is real life! Like not over an app!  Now, calm down, all this interpersonal contact irl is not usually my forte, but three double vodka and diet cokes turns me into a right social butterfly. We met at UCL's LGBT Christmas party, Glitteris (yes, it was as amazing as it sounds, there was glitter everywhere, I was finding it on my person for days after).

I'm on the left, with my main babe K

Beth in a PhD student at SOAS, (which is a university very close to UCL in London for the people who live outside the London bubble). We were both rather tipsy, and I though she looked very cool.... like I'm punching here cool.

I've yet to perfect my girl pulling skills. I had them pretty down on lock with blokes, well when they are drunk, there is no challange! We got chatting, but I'm a little fuzzy on the details....We eventually exchanged Facebook info (oh the romance) and then I promptly went home to collapse into a pile of inebriation.

We arranged to meet for dinner and a movie (classic), the next Friday. There were the standard first date butterflies, but she was really straight forward in texting, no games which is always appreciated! She did have an odd fascination with my dissection sessions, and may have made some slightly creepy jokes about embalmed brains....and bringing one with me in my bag....(should have probably been a warning sign).

The first part of the evening was spent walking around Covent Garden and Soho in general. Conversation was good, standard first date small talk, but we just didn't click. It also turned out that she was a Tory, which isn't a deal breaker in itself, but her opinions on Conservative economic policies kinda made it imposable for us to have a serious relationship (I joke, the chemistry wasn't there way before that bombshell was dropped).

We did have a lovely meal at Jamie's Pizza Place in Covent Garden, and we both loved the new James Bond film ....

Dinner on a first date is a bit of a risky one for me, what with the eating disorder recovery lark and being veggie. As long as they aren't super fussy or restrictive and don't argue with me about my right to be veggie, then it can be okay-ish. Beth was fine about it all, so luckily that wasn't a problem! :)



Can we take a moment to appreciate the gorgeous Lea Seydoux... ok, all good (Funny side note - we went to the Leicester Square cinema to see the Bond film, the same day as the new Star Wars film came out! Nothing sets the scene for a romantic evening like 200 Ewoks)  

It was all in all a nice evening, but no real attraction or spark. It was just nice, you know? The feeling must have been pretty mutual and after we parted ways after the movies, neither of us texted, so we both ghosted each other out.

I did however, have a major revelation on this date... When you are dating a girl, and you need a break to gather your thoughts, you can't escape to the bathroom like you can with a dude. Is it the universal law that girls need to go to the bathroom at the same time or something?! It seems like a really obvious thing, but it was a total revelation to my baby lesbian brain....